Karl Remarx

Dear Karl,

How is Joe Burrow? I just moved here and I’m not sure if he’ s like a local deity or what…

Pls explain,

Confused

Confused Comrade,

I too am unfamiliar with this Joe Burrow fellow. But being the excellent advice columnist I am, I took the liberty of looking him up. I was almost certain that he was that local kid who grew up to be an accomplished actor, so I looked up “Joe Burrow Actor.” The results were indeed impressive! This now much older gentleman has one acting credit in the “The Cars that Ate Paris”. How exciting that we have a local celebrity with a film credit to his name! You’d really think that we’d have football star alumnus by now.

Hope this helps,

Kar

Karl,

How do I escape jail in bit life?

Thanks,

A fellow gamer

My dear gamer comrade,

A looooong time ago, I was also thrown into jail. A little bit of the good stuff, some disorderly conduct, suddenly I’m locked up. There’s a whole story there, but alas we must save it for another day. Anywho comrade, I recommend reading the communist manifesto AS LOUDLY AS YOU CAN, for as looooooooooonnnnngggg as possible. I’m sure you have it memorized already, so this shouldn’t be a problem. Without a doubt this will drive your captors insane, and they will be forced to set you free!

Best of luck!

Karl

Why do ducks have teeth?

Why?

For chompin, Comrade. For chompin.

Hi Karl,

I have recently finished George Orwell’s 1984, along with your masterful work, The Communist Manifesto. Do you have any other book recommendations for an avid comrade?

All the best,

A fan

Dear Fan,

Here are my top three communist reading picks:

George Orwell’s Animal Farm

The Holy Bible

Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax

Happy Reading,

Sir,

Have you seen my missing cat? I miss him and am very upset.

Sadly,

X

Dear X,

As a communist you must understand, that’s not YOUR cat, that’s OUR cat. I’ll be on the lookout comrade. I miss him already.

Best,

Karl

Hey Karl baby you lookin' kinda fit tho…

What if we went on a date?

Haha just kidding….

unless…

Dear Comrade,

Unless... What? Please be more clear in your next letter.

Cordially,

Karl

Dear Karl,

I really like this guy in my german class, but I don’t know how to express my feelings! He’s super sweet, hilarious, and really good looking! Can you help me, Karl? How do I say what I feel?

Pleeease,

Sad gal

Dear sad gal,

Don’t be sad! You’re in the p e r f e c t situation to bequeath your deepest thoughts and emotions upon this strapping fellow. As I’m sure you no doubt know, German is the language of love. As a proud German, I know this to be an undisputed fact. You must study german like your life depends on it. Prepare an elaborate and romantic declaration of your feelings IN GERMAN. If he understands it, you’ll know that he’s the one. If he’s puzzling through what you’ve said, then you’ve just created an excellent window of opportunity to escape an embarrassing situation.

Best of luck Comrade,

Kar

Need advice? Email karlrematrix@gmail.com for a chance to have your question answered and published in the next issue.