How to play Chess the right way

by Xan Jordan

**This article is just for April Fools' Day. Everything published under April Fools is satire**

Over the past couple of months the limited series “The Queen's Gambit” has been a hit. A combination of boredom and cabin fever proved to be the ultimate recipe for success. For kids who already liked chess, it made them rediscover their love for chess. for those who didn't know how to play, it made them wonder… “How the hell do you actually play?” Despite some incorrect playing and logistics, the show makes you want to learn how to play, which is exactly what this article will do, but will show you the correct way. If Beth can win against a middle-aged Russian chess god so can you. (SEE CHART BELOW FOR BASICS)

An important thing to understand while playing chess is that the game is just as psychological as it is strategic. In order to be strategic, you have to dominate and psychologically intimidate your opponent.

There are a few key strategies for this: first think physical presence, soaking your clothes in bath and body works or Axe body spray, wearing galaxy snapbacks, thigh highs, camo (if you blend into your surroundings, your opponent will be unable to read your body language and predict your moves) and jorts for ultimate comfort will all immediately give you a leg up in dominating the game.

The next key step is the actual play. In order to play chess like Beth, you need to plan. Start with moving your pawns. It doesn't matter where just add dramatic sound effects as you do so. Imagine what each piece would look or sound like when it moves. Screaming is a plus because it shows both dominance and determination. When you “capture” your opponent's pieces, it is appropriate to scream and lean over and suck the piece up like a vacuum. This encourages sincerity, a sense of permanence that your opponent’s pieces will never return to them.

As the game progresses, your opponent will likely try to trap you, so you must also try to trap them as well. In the show, terms like the “Sicilian Open” float around but in reality, this is just a posh distraction. Instead, move your pieces as quietly and smoothly as possible. Imagine as though your chess pieces are role-playing as James Bond. If you do this, your opponent will be more confused.

This is where you whip out your Pokemon cards. As one may recall earlier, it was mentioned that assigning the pieces a role jazzes up the game. Make sure you use them wisely as chess is a long-lasting game. Progressively, the game will become more and more intense. A jaw harp will add a sense of western cowboy tension that makes the game just that much better.

At this point, you should be using your other pieces. Remember that you must protect the king, all though entirely useless at all costs. If you continue to do all of the aforementioned you will win.

Real-life interviews have even confirmed the stellar results these ploys produce. Vladimir Weiss of Belarus notes that “Although uncommon in Belarus Pokemon cards have made me such an excellent player that I have been banned from all leagues”.

In fact, Mr. Wiesss ability to play chess after adopting these methods was so powerful that he now has a lifelong ban and restraining order from any competition in Belarus.

Renowned chess connoisseur Vurt Kontegut of the Onion notes that “Elements of attire and ambiance in these strategies create an unusual but creative and thrilling environment”. So in conclusion, Beth's creativity and strategy are the ultimate and proper way to play chess and the only way to do so.