AHS’s valedictorian identity revealed

By Hannah Bernstein

**This article is just for April Fools' Day. Everything published under April Fools is satire**

As graduation is approaching, people are wondering who is going to be giving the valedictorian speech this year. Well, AHS Matrix is here to break the news first: it is the Bulldog!

Now, for those who are wondering how this happened, AHS Matrix got an exclusive interview with the Bulldog who revealed all of their secrets, including study skills that AHS students might find useful.

Initially, in their freshman year, the Bulldog had a hard time finding time to balance attending football games, golf tournaments, cross country races, soccer games, volleyball competitions, and those were only listing the fall sports!

At the end of the first quarter, our mascot was burnt out. Barely keeping up with their assignments and running on an average of 3 hours of sleep per night, our favorite dog decided that they needed a change.

However, the Bulldog had a dilemma. As the symbol of our high school, the Bulldog could not abandon our sports teams, nor could they abandon their studies either. After weeks and weeks of deliberation, the lucky mascot figured out how to solve both of their problems: bribing the AHS faculty to give them a three-week pass every semester, in exchange for victories. For example, if the virtual snorkeling team wanted to get to States, their coach had to promise the Bulldog a three-week pass on all homework for the quarter.

While this system worked for the next semester, our green and gold dog realized they could not keep doing this if they wanted to take AP exams.

In desperation, the Bulldog dragged their paws into Mr. Springer’s office and revealed what they had been doing. After a stern warning and some advice, the mascot decided instead to focus on their academics.

Instead of worrying about how the football team was going to do during study hall, the Bulldog would sit down and work on Woolison’s Geometry homework. After a couple of weeks of this, our favorite dog realized that they could still cheer our sports teams on if they followed these three simple rules.

1. Before a hard test, eat all of your homework and notes. This way the information can be literally digested and stored in your brain for later.

2. If you do not understand the lesson, howl until your teacher explains it to you in an accessible way.

3. If you feel overwhelmed by your homework, turn your homework into a ball and play fetch with it until you figure out the answer.